Lysseegotcakes (:

I wish I could introduce you as my boyfriend.

To my friends, to my family, to everyone. But no, I can’t.

I have to keep reminding myself that you are nothing but a friend. But it’s hard to convince my heart that, considering how we are together. Not during school hours or on campus, when we rarely communicate or merely make eye contact, but how we are when we’re alone. Nothing we do seems to indicate just a friendship, nothing at all. Except maybe our phone calls, since we no longer toss around those cheesy, but cutesy lines, like we used to.

But majority of everything else still reminds me of our relationship. My mind may be stuck on this “no strings attached” mindset, because it provides all the props of a relationship without the sticky situations and lessens the amount of hurt. But my heart proves otherwise. Can’t blame it. Ha, look at us. What evidence is there to prove it wrong?

Even when we get in small fights, we don’t handle it like friends usually would. I remember when you came over to watch movies a little over two weeks ago, and you tossed my phone to me and it accidentally hit my lip. Instead of just apologizing, you also came over to my side to hug me. Then when, me being stubborn, just pushed you off, gave you the silent treatment and created a pillow barrier between us on the sofa, I could tell you didn’t like how upset I was. When we were passing my phone between us, you even offered to go home early if I wanted- but I insisted for you to say. By the time I had torn down the pillow barrier, we had fixed things. You even played with my fingers afterwards, and moments later, we found ourselves holding hands. We may have been “just friends”, but having our fingers laced just felt so right :3 And once my dad left to go upstairs (after he was done spying on us -__-), we both instantly leaned in to kiss. And unsurprisingly, it wasn’t long before we were cuddling on the couch. Y’know, the cutesy stuff, as always. Even our goodbye kisses when I walked you to your truck seemed to just go on and on, stalling time before you had to head home. Now, what part of that can be solely labelled as a friendship?

And when the whole phone incident happened (again!) at your house a few days after, you just laid on top of me, babying me. I even was given those “healing” kisses, to make sure I was “all better”. You were doing things that Daniel, my boyfriend, used to do. It was like the line between our past relationship and this friendship had become hazy, and you crossed between the two categories interchangeably. Though, you tended to stay on the relationship side more often.

You know what I want? I want you to be able to come over to my house, and be able to introduce you as more than just my “friend”. For example, if you were to come over for the Pacquiao fight this weekend (in which, I really do hope you can), I think it might be odd to have you as just a friend for the meet&greet with the family and extended family, but possibly have us act like a couple in front of my family friends and such, y’know? They, and I myself, will get confused. Or at least, more confused that I already am.

But you know what I wish for even more? I wish you could make things simple for once. But no, things haven’t been simple since there was an “us”. Simple ended when our complicated post-relationship friendship began. The thing I still can’t seem to understand though is how you expect me to not be confused over my feelings when you can’t seem to make up your mind with your actions.

camilleforreals:

Just a reminder: stop reminding me of each quality you don’t like about me. If you have the nerve to complain about how I am, why don’t you look back in the mirror and see the people who raised me?

I understand that you think that I’m too “unfavorable” for anyone’s liking, and that you “don’t have to worry about guys too much” because you “don’t see why or how anyone could handle me” or simply want me. But if you have any more negative opinions about me, keep them to your own damn self.

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I make mistakes over and over again. 

But I’m human.

and I make mistakes.

Is that an excuse?

I’m sorry even if you don’t believe it.

I love you and let’s leave it at that.

I told you so you know that I’m willing to be honest with you.

Can you at least appreciate that?

Please.

I tell you I’m hurting and yes I do expect you to make it better.

Is that so wrong? 

Tell me that you’re hurting too and I promise I will try to make it better. 

If not, it’s only because I’m hurting too much.

And I can’t get my mind straight.

When I don’t make sense, it’s because when i try to explain I just keep thinking-

What if what I say makes you go away. 

I can’t lose you.

I can’t lose you. 

I can’t lose you.